i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
