I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
