The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize