I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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