if i can run in heels then i can drive
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
