I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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