he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
