Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
