Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
