I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
