we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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