I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
