While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
