either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
