Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm just crazy horny about you
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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