drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
