saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
