Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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