How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
