It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
whose parrot is this?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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