those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think I sprained my soul last night
You are a booty call, not a friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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