I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
