Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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