Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
