Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
