If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
he's single and there are thong briefs.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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