Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
