I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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