Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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