I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize