I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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