i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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