Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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