i don't plan on having that self control this summer
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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