True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
