you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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