Define "chronic" masturbator.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
