if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
