Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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