Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
