there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
