Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
