happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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