I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I love you. Go after that dick
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
