Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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