he thought i was a dude.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize