Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
