Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
