We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
