U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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