there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
