I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
