I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
