he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
