theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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