I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
