Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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