No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
