these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
