and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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