I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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