did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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