remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
