Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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