This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
