My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
