ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
