____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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