If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
