Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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